Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Fire Halo

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“Jane, I know this is going to sound weird, but am I the only one who can see you?”

Jane's smile turned into a guilty one. “I'm afraid so, you're the only one who has ever seen me, but it makes me so happy, because I have been ever so lonely.” Her words burst out, tumbling over each other to get out.

“Why, I don't understand?” Reeny felt a little scared. Maybe Jane's happy-go-lucky exterior was just a front for something more sinister? Jane seemed harmless, but she couldn't let her guard down.

Jane's face became very sad. “I wish I knew myself.”

Reeny got out her sandwiches. “Would you like one?”

“I wish I could, but I don't need food...”

“Okay,” said Reeny taking a bite. “Please explain how you got like this?”

“Well,” said Jane walking over to the window and looking at the kids playing outside. “I so want to go outside and play, I haven't done that in forever!”

“Jane, please focus,” said Reeny. “Maybe if we sort this out you can go play outside again.”

“Somehow I don't think so,” said Jane, turning around now with a tear rolling down her cheek.

Reeny dropped the sandwich and went over to give her a hug. “You'll be okay. I know it.”

“I don't think so, because you see the reason I am stuck here is,” Jane played with her hair, “well, it's because I died.”

Reeny put the girl at arm's reach. “You might be a little pale, but I think you're far from dead!”

“I wish it was so...” said Jane with a small smile. “You make me laugh, I'm so happy you have come.”


Jani said...

Hey Craig. This is very intriguing. I suggest you delete a few of the 'said's since there's only the two of them in the scene. It'll ease things out a bit. Like it otherwise, good job.

Lorelei said...

I agree with Jani. I think where she takes a bite you'll want to either say "she said through a mouthfull" or something like that. But a beat would fit here better than she said.

And the line "felt a little scared" why not have her get goosebumps instead of telling us she's scared.

This makes one want to know more about the little girl who died.