Friday, October 28, 2011

Chargers

For Oktoberfest contest rules, go here. 

**He has come to her room to see why she's upset. Lots of confessions coming with this scene. They both belong to a secret society called Chargers where he's a Lead, and she's a recruit.**


“Ever since I noticed you, I’ve been plagued with the desire to be with you, touch you. Then when you were invited to Chargers, I suddenly got to. You finally knew who I was after looking through me for so long.”

His confession knocks the wind out of me, and I lean forward to draw a breath. He’d been noticing me all this time, and I hadn’t even given him a second of my life. “That’s…rough to take in, Treston. I was blind.”

“No, I try hard to be a nobody at school.”

“Everyone at school is a fool, because your act isn’t that great.”

He pouts. “You just know me now.”

“You’re right. But I don’t know how I missed you.”

He squeezes my fingers. “When I marked you, I was so shaky I thought I’d mess up.”

“I don’t think that’s even possible?” My lips curl.

He stares at my bedspread. “You mess me up all the time, Simone. I thought for sure you’d notice my feelings. Whenever we did anything, I chose you. Your invitations. Bringing you to headquarters. Watching you for judging.”

“No, I thought you despised me.”

He’s silent. Like he’s digesting the conversation. “How could you think that? You always caught me staring at you. The night I tried to help you after Andre kicked you out of his truck, I thought for sure you knew of my obsession for you.”

Obsession? Oh my God.

I take a deep breath. “No. Every time I saw you looking at me you seemed angry. I thought you hated me, so I tried to hate you back.”

His face clenches. “Never have I felt a negative thing for you. What you saw was my feelings for myself. I felt so pathetic, the way you affected me so completely.”

6 comments:

Melinda said...

Thanks for posting Rachel. There should be a space between the "You're right..." and He squeezes my fingers. Hope it's not confusing who's talking. :)

ilima said...

I had a hard time coming up with a favorite scene in my own story and asked my husband what his favorite part of my book was. He said he likes when the MC's are right on that verge of admitting their feelings for eachother...there's all that tension, excitement, nervousness, etc.

This is a prime example of why these scenes are so exciting. I don't know anything about this book but feel the excitement Treston and Simone (cool names, BTW) are experiencing, well done.

We have a few descriptions like him squeezing her fingers and deep breaths, but I am left wanting more internal from Simone. You have some in here but I want to know more of what she is thinking in this moment. 300 words is not much either, so I'm sure it's coming up. Good job.

Melinda said...

I know, I had to chop stuff to get the scene to fit. :(

Thanks for the comment! These are always my favorite scenes too! :)

SwiftScribbler said...

Hi Melinda,

I really like your scene--I love an intense love confession!

I looked hard and managed to come up with a a few (nitpicky!) suggestions to maybe make your scene a little stronger:

1. Treston's last line "Never have a I felt a negative thing for you" feels a little stilted, maybe try something a little more conversational. It could even just be "never." Or he could self-mocking laugh and make a comment about how he tried or he wished that were the case--it would have made it easier (if that works with your story!)
2. I don't think you need the line "He's silent, like he's digesting the conversation," it feels a little "telly" and its redundant. You've done a good job setting up the importance of this conversation to him (even in just 300 words!) that we know what she says is important to him. I think "He's silent" is enough to let us know that he's thinking about the conversation.
3. I agree with ilima that I wish I knew more of Simone's thoughts. She's surprised, but I don't know if she's surprised happy, surprised weirded out, etc... (the "Obsession? Oh my God" could indicate either one).
4. And lastly, I was a tiny bit confused when he said "I was so shakey I thought I'd mess up." And she said "I don't think that's even possible?' My lips curl." You might have set this up earlier so its understandable (if so--just ignore me!), but if not, I was confused whether she meant it was impossible to mess up the spell or impossible for him to mess things up period. I also didn't understand what emotion you were trying to get across with the "lips curl."

Whew, other than that I really liked it, and I had to look hard to find things to comment on! I hope some of my comments help!

Kate Larkindale said...

This is clearly an important scene and he's confessing something huge to her. But, I don't get that from her reaction. How does this make her feel? Does she feel the same way? Does it gross her out?

And try reading the dialogue aloud. Some of it feels unnatural.

Melinda said...

Bah! You guys are right. In preparing this scene to 300 words I totally left out too much of her reaction. One good thing, it's not like that in the actual MS. :)

Thanks for the comments and feedback. Nitpicky is GOOD! :)