Sunday, August 7, 2011

THE GIRL WITH BROWN EYES

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Name: Tracy
Genre: YA Fantasy

At twelve years and not old enough for a title, the Boy kept his focus on himself, but he stopped his daily walk through the cemetery at a sight even he could not ignore.

"You shouldn’t do that.” He narrowed his eyes and glared with all the indignation called for in such a situation.

"Do what?" The target of his fury, a girl no older than he, swung her legs back and forth. She had brown eyes, but as for her other features, he had not taken the time to notice them. He found something else far more interesting.

"What you’re doing, sitting on that headstone there."

"And why shouldn’t I?" Her question seemed genuine, but the Boy could not fathom how she could not see the issue with her actions.

"Because. Someone died there."

The Brown-Eyed Girl brushed an orange leaf from the headstone. "No they didn’t. Not one of these people died here. They all died at home in their beds, or abroad in the world, or wherever it suited the world best to have them die."

The Boy paused in surprise at her response, but could not deny she was right. "Well, I’m sure that person doesn’t want you sitting on his headstone.”

"Oh, I’m quite certain she doesn’t mind."

The Boy jolted. Who did she think she was? He puffed up his chest. "And how can you be so certain?"

She ran her fingers through her hair and shook it loose. "Because,” she said, “this headstone is mine.”

Superstitions of his younger childhood broke his determination to act mature. The Boy remained at a loss for words for ten eternally-long seconds before he squeaked out a question. “Are you a ghost?”

The Brown-Eyed Girl’s delightful laughter raided the Boy’s defenses. Chills tingled along his spine. Stupid brown eyes. Stupid girl. He quickly straightened and willed the color to return to his cheeks. As with his many servants bringing him food, the red hues brought more than he needed or really desired. He could feel his cheeks burning. To his chagrin, the mistake brought more laughter from the girl.

"Explain it to me.” He crossed his arms and stepped closer, his own almond-shaped eyes set on hers. He did not know where else to look. If he examined the headstone, he might see her name, which would be rude. Though he never fully understood the dangers of identity theft, he still obeyed his parents’ insistence that he never seek out names. Stick to titles, but this girl had not given hers. He would have to be the mature one here.

"Why should I?" She did not move.

Planting his feet, he imagined himself to be as large and intimidating as his father, Sir. He would never be as intimidating as Sir, whose consistency of diet affected the consistency of his weight, but it only served to make him look more rich and dignified as it increased the shadow his presence cast over others. The Boy, despite his best efforts, had his mother’s long, thin frame.

8 comments:

Leigh Ann said...

TRACY!!!

You already know what I think about this. I seriously love it and think it's perfect. SO not helpful.

One heads-up: your capitalization might be messed up in this sentence:
The Brown-Eyed Girl’s delightful laughter raided the boy’s defenses.

Brown-Eyed should be lowercase, and the boy should be upper, right?

Good luck! Go time travel go! :)

Lanette said...

This is so unique and intriguing. You have brought up so many questions needing answers that it begs the reader to keep going. I only have one nit- at the beginning of one of your quotations, it was in lower-case. Other than that, I think this opening is brilliant.

Beckah-Rah said...

Hey, love your entry! :D And I left you a present on my blog!!

Tracy N. Jorgensen said...

I didn't see your present, but I love the comments. Thanks for catching the boy error. BEG gets capsed though because that's the title she gets throughout the book.

petemorin said...

Hi Tracy, I think the opening would be perfectly clear if you led with the sitting on the headstone. When you begin with the dialogue "you can't do that" and wait a half page to reveal the "that," to me it prolongs confusion. Once I et the setting, I think it's a wonderful way to start. Bear in mind, though, I'm an old curmudgeon and I don't read YA Fantasy. so my confusion might be due to senility.

Magan said...

Tracy,

It definitely has me intrigued, but I agree with the above comment maybe not to start with dialogue or to bring up that she is sitting on a head stone right away.

Otherwise I like the girl's responses to the boy, she seems witty and I like it.

MarcyKate said...

There's a lot that I love about this, but I do agree with Pete - starting with dialog rarely works well, and to make it work, the reader needs to get grounded in the scene fast.

Also, I think the entire paragraph devoted to his blushing could be tightened to one or two sentences. As it is, I felt like I was being hit over the head with it and I doubt it's the most important point on the page. :)

Great job, good luck!

Tracy N. Jorgensen said...

Took your comments into consideration for my quick revision. Fingers crossed for me? Thanks guys for commenting. I really do appreciate it!