Monday, August 8, 2011

BREAKING UP THE GIRL


For contest rules, go here

Name: J. Elayne
Genra: Contemporary YA

I screwed up, man. No – I fucked up big time. My girlfriend (of one year come September) is gonna step off that plane any minute and I just know she’s gonna ask how my summer was. What did I do over the summer? Did I miss her? How was everything? Damn.
I spot her tearing through the crowds, but she hasn’t spotted me yet. She looks so happy…and different…but happy.  Speaking of which, I’m nearly dying in this red jacket I got zipped up to my neck, with the collar up. As hot as it is right now in Alabama. I can’t take my eyes off her since she’s wearing this flowy top, showing off those long and tanned arms, and she’s in some shorts. All legs, just as long and tanned. I love her legs – God I love her whole body. She’s got a bag with her but there’s no way that’s all, because she left the country for Greece. Now my cell phone’s ringing and – it’s her. Why the hell is she calling me now? I distinctly told her not to call because I was picking up my girlfriend – her friend!
“Hello?” I say.
“Brad, what’s up?” Vianne says.
“What’s up? I’m picking Danica up from the airport, that’s what’s up.”
“Oh damn, that’s right. Well, I just wanted to call. I thought we could hang out.”
“Vianne…”
“We could all hang out. I really like you both, you know.”
I’m not sure what she means by that, but if it’s what I think, I’m totally down for it. Really. My girlfriend has finally spotted me and makes her way over so I wave.
“I gotta go. Bye,” I quickly slide my phone into my pocket.
“Hey baby!” Danica says in her husky voice. She runs up to me and gives me the biggest hug and I squeeze her just as tightly. It feels so good to be in her grasp. But she pulls away with a twisted look.
“What’s with the face, babe?” I ask.
“What’s with the jacket? Do you know that it’s ninety-two degrees right now?”
Hell yeah I know that and I’m hoping she doesn’t notice I’m sweating buckets. She knows I sweat like crazy at the first sign of hot temperature. But I scoff and shake it off before I take her hand and spin her around.
“Babe, look at you. I gotta be honest…I almost didn’t recognize you when I first saw you over there.”
She smiles and pushes her hair over her shoulders. I love that. “And you’ve matured some since I’ve been away.”
“Yep, yep. It’s probably the sideburns.”
She laughs and kisses me. I missed those lips of hers. When she readjusts the sunglasses on her head, I can’t help but run my fingers though her thick hair; it’s a rich shade of dark brown, nearly black. Always keeps her curls up in a ball or ponytail. And I’m always trying to get her to let her hair down.
“So what did you do over the summer? What’s happened?” 
Um….

5 comments:

Rachel McClellan said...

Amazing voice! You captured it perfectly. Just from the voice you've created, I can picture several boys I knew...and wanted to castrate.

Because you've done such a great job on this dick I really want to read more to make sure he gets what's coming. You've invested me into your character right away which is very hard to do in such a short amount of time.

Good job!

Jehhillenberg (J Elayne) said...

Rachel, my God. You have no idea how much I appreciate your feedback. Thanks a bunchessss!

Dawn Brazil said...

LOL, this was a funny piece. It threw me at first but I got it.


I think in the first paragraph inside the parenthesis (which, in my opinion you don't need) you could write "of one year" leave the rest off.

I think you should break up the paragraphs some - as they are they are too long. It helps with the pacing.

You could delete the part where he states that he's burning up in the red jacket. Let the readers know through the diaglogue - like you do when the girlfriend asks him. It would make the scene even funnier.

I absolutely love the dialogue, so realistic. Loved it. One thing though, I have no idea how old they are - the MC and his girlfirend, I mean. You stated YA but somehow I read it as a little older - perhaps womens fiction. Could just be me but I read a lot of YA... It's not the language (word choice- that's perfect) sorry, I'm not totally sure.


But I will add that I loved this piece. I wish I could read more. I would love to know what Vianne meant by "I like her too." and it she meant what I thought (like, what he thought) what is going to happen. Great story!!! Kudos to you. I can't - or haven't tried to write with a male MC, yet.

I wish you the best with this piece in the contest and the future.

Jehhillenberg (J Elayne) said...

I really appreciate that, Dawn Brazil. You have no idea. The ages would be revealed shortly after the cut off. It's definitely Contemp YA -- I adore the genre.

Melanie Stanford said...

I was drawn into your story right away. I also thought what a jerk he is and I want to read more to see if he gets what he deserves. I think the second para could use a little work- I hear his voice, but the description of what she's wearing was weird to me. And that last line in that para "I distinctly told her..." could be cut because I think it's obvious.
I wasn't a fan of the line, "you've matured some since I've been away." It seemed out of place, like a girl would never say that to her boyfriend. Just my opinion. Other than that, I loved it, and you drew me in right away which is definitely a good thing.