Thursday, May 5, 2011

Submission #2 - Moving On

I really liked this one. The writing was "dark" and had a similar feel to the book "Thirst" by Christopher. Great book. I have very little to say about the writing. However there was one crucial mistake the author did. Fortunately it's an easy fix. I will post a sample and let's see if you catch it:

She speaks, and all my senses come to awareness. Her voice not only fills the room, but it seems to also echo outside of the room, and inside my own mind. "You," she says, with the air of a queen and also the gentleness of a family member, "are Rosalline. Am I correct?"

"Are...are you an angel?" I asked tentatively. I wondered whether or not my sanity was still intact; in this place I could see an insect and think of it a king.


So what is the mistake? I'll give you guys some time and then I'll post more later.

FYI - Let's get this contest going! Make mention of it on your blog and send everyone this way. I really want our submissions to get good feedback. Thanks!

9 comments:

Kimmy said...

She alternates between past and present tense.

Michael A Tate said...

There was the tense switching, but beyond that, a misplaced comma and abuse of the word also were things I saw.

Clutzattack said...

You two beat me to it!

"Are...are you an angel?" I ask tenatively. I wonder whether or not my sanity is still intact. In this place, I could see an insect and think it a king.


(Not a fan of semicolons)

Rachel McClellan said...

Good job! You guys are exactly right. The author started out a full page and a half and then switched tenses. So next question - which do you like better? Past or present tense?

Clutzattack - I agree with you. I'm not a big fan of semicolons either. :)

Michael A Tate said...

Really? I think semi-colons are a good tool to have in your arsenal. Think about it. The standard comma and conjunction links the two clauses pretty tightly. Separating them into two sentences (or paragraphs or chapters or books) separates them quite a bit. But the semi-colon is a shade of gray between the comma and period. (That's why it's got both marks in it)

I don't despise a particular screwdriver in my toolbox just because it's not used often. I might despise the person who uses that tool wrong, but my trusty screwdriver did nothing wrong. It's just a tool.

JB Toner (euclid) said...

I missed the tense change. Darn! But I did pick up this clunky phrase

but it seemed to also echo...

which wld be better:

but seemed to echo...

Darn!

Jayne said...

In addition to the tense change, I would have tightened the sentence 'but it seems to also echo' to 'but seems to echo'. Interesting snippet though!

Rachel McClellan said...

Michael, you are right-semicolons have their place. But for me, they sit in my gut wrong because when I was first writing, I abused them as much as I do popcorn jellybeans. I especially used them in dialogue, which I got a lot of crap for. Since then, I'm very careful to use the perverted comma. :)

Jeff King said...

Great comments everyone. I prefer past tense, as a writer… but don’t care either way from a readers stand point.